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| Dan D. – June 12, 2015 |
Earlier today, Anthony DiComo, the Mets’ beat writer for MLB.com, announced that the team would be starting Dillon Gee on Sunday instead of Noah Syndergaard, thus seemingly returning to the six-man rotation the team was supposed to have abandoned a short time ago.
We at the Avocado are proud to be the first to announce, however, that Mets manager Terry Collins has announced yet another change to his pitching rotation: all 25 men on the major league roster will cycle in and out of starting pitching duties.
“Considering all the injuries to the team lately, we decided that this would be our best option moving forward”, said Bjork J. Schlorp, Terry Collins’ personal assistant. When pressed as to why Collins thought this would be a good idea, Schlorp kept schtum, eventually evading the question by revealing that the team’s skipper has a strict predilection for 2-ply toilet paper.
The Avocado decided to concede that it would never receive a substantial answer to its original question, so we instead decided to ask Bjork why this was. “Well”, Schlorp sighed, “you see, during his contract negotiations, Terry held a hard line about Citi Field’s home clubhouse being fully stocked with three-ply Cottonelle ‘Tender Cheeks’ rolls, infused liberally with aloe vera. He insisted that he and his players receive the finest care possible, considering that 162 times a year they work their butts off to field a great team”.
“Well, the Wilpons, being the cheapskates that they are, told Terry he could ‘take his buttwipes and stuff them in his Pujols’ and told him that they wouldn’t supply anything but 1-ply RuffStuff brand, which, interestingly, is a company Jeff Wilpon has majority stakeholdings in. Terry threatened to walk, at which point the Wilpons realized that if he did, their only option to replace him would be Carl Everett, who currently manages their sub-rookie farm team, the Lake Minnetonka Purifiers. So, they agreed to compromise on two-ply”.
Stunned by this revelation, I thanked Bjork for his time, and went home to type this story out on my Commodore 64. There was no possible way this could have been made up – ‘Cottonelle Tender Cheeks’? It’s just too specific!
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