New York Mets Make Another Rotation Change

Dan D. – June 12, 2015

Earlier today, Anthony DiComo, the Mets’ beat writer for MLB.com, announced that the team would be starting Dillon Gee on Sunday instead of Noah Syndergaard, thus seemingly returning to the six-man rotation the team was supposed to have abandoned a short time ago.

We at the Avocado are proud to be the first to announce, however, that Mets manager Terry Collins has announced yet another change to his pitching rotation: all 25 men on the major league roster will cycle in and out of starting pitching duties.

“Considering all the injuries to the team lately, we decided that this would be our best option moving forward”, said Bjork J. Schlorp, Terry Collins’ personal assistant. When pressed as to why Collins thought this would be a good idea, Schlorp kept schtum, eventually evading the question by revealing that the team’s skipper has a strict predilection for 2-ply toilet paper.

The Avocado decided to concede that it would never receive a substantial answer to its original question, so we instead decided to ask Bjork why this was. “Well”, Schlorp sighed, “you see, during his contract negotiations, Terry held a hard line about Citi Field’s home clubhouse being fully stocked with three-ply Cottonelle ‘Tender Cheeks’ rolls, infused liberally with aloe vera. He insisted that he and his players receive the finest care possible, considering that 162 times a year they work their butts off to field a great team”.

“Well, the Wilpons, being the cheapskates that they are, told Terry he could ‘take his buttwipes and stuff them in his Pujols’ and told him that they wouldn’t supply anything but 1-ply RuffStuff brand, which, interestingly, is a company Jeff Wilpon has majority stakeholdings in. Terry threatened to walk, at which point the Wilpons realized that if he did, their only option to replace him would be Carl Everett, who currently manages their sub-rookie farm team, the Lake Minnetonka Purifiers. So, they agreed to compromise on two-ply”.

Stunned by this revelation, I thanked Bjork for his time, and went home to type this story out on my Commodore 64. There was no possible way this could have been made up – ‘Cottonelle Tender Cheeks’? It’s just too specific!

Sports Op-Ed: Gee And Niese Gotta Go

By reddit.com/u/metsuup June 5, 2015

Today, the New York Mets sit atop the National League East, a half game ahead of the Washington Nationals, and this die-hard fan of the blue and orange couldn’t be happier. 

Though the Mets have lost two of their last three series, they’ve still gone 6-4 over their last ten games. Matt Harvey is still a Dark Knight rising, Jacob deGrom is still…er…de Best (see what I did there?), and Jeurys Familia is doing a great job closing out games. 

If I’m honest, though, there is something about this team that really bothers me. Well, two things. OK, fine, two people. I’m talking, of course, about Dillon Gee and Jon Niese, the two guys currently pitching for New York who probably couldn’t hit the pink on a flamingo (oh man, this joke was awesome!!!). 

Niese and Gee have not pitched exceptionally well this season. Going into tonight’s game, Niese’s record stands at 3-5 with a 4.42 earned run average. Hitters are batting .304 against him, his WAR is currently -0.6, and his WHIF rate is 32% (WHIF = Wins Hits Innings FLAMINGO! Oh man, this joke never stops being funny). 

I would post Gee’s stats, but seeing as how he is just a stupid asshole and a former disciple of the Church of Pubechin, I’ll refrain. 

I’m usually an expert at figuring out trades that can mutually benefit the Mets and other teams (just ask any of the late-night hosts on WFAN, they all know me by the sound of my voice). Sandy Alderson* has on routine occasion solicited my advice in making moves. I just can’t wrap my mind around this one, though. Who could possibly want these guys? I am not even sure that if we built a time machine and offered them to the 1962 Mets for Roger Craig and Craig Anderson that we would be taken seriously. 

I got into an argument about this with u/missusmet about Niese and Gee. She posited that “they’re two serviceable Major League starters whose track records indicate they’ll finish with respectable records and would be a great asset to any team seeking dependable back-of-the-rotation starters”, but what does she know? Seriously, she’s a woman! For that matter, why did the moderators even let her on the forum? Doesn’t she know it’s a repository of bored, acne-ridden IT workers, armchair GMs, and third-string Monday morning quarterbacks offering sub-Mike Francesca-level analysis guys only?

Stay tuned, for my next article will be an  a desperate, thinly-veiled plea to blow Matt Harvey in-depth look at how Matt Harvey is already one of the greatest athletes of all time! 

*The manager of METS (Metropolitans Eating Tasty Sandwiches) Catering in Flushing. 

EXPERT MLB GAME RECAP: Cardinals 10, Mets 2

May 19, 2015 – Granny D wrote this.

What a hard game to watch. I mean, for me, it was especially confusing, because Danny left my glasses and hearing aid upstairs, so it was a real struggle to figure out what was going on! Here are my biggest takeaways from this match:

– Man, Jon’s niece was terrible tonight, but did she really deserve getting hit eleven times? It’s not nice to hit little girls!

– Is that the Walker Flocker Flame guy the kids are all talking about who pitched for the Cardinals? Hold on, when did Stan Musial stop playing for them??!

– I remember Pete Kozma! I worked with him over at the Yale & Towne Lock Company back in ’39. He must be in great shape to still be playing baseball at his age!

– My grandson isn’t named Curtis! It’s Dan! I think he has a friend named Curtis, though, or maybe it’s Nick. I don’t know, I can’t keep up with all two of them!

– Randal Grichuk? I think I know his mother. She used to come to Sunday service at Holy Name. Nice woman. You know, one time, Fr. Mozieowicziczinski was blessing her Easter egg basket, and her leg just fell off! Well, they had a family history of the C.A. and she had been sick with the smallpox for some time. Wouldn’t you know it, they fixed her up and two weeks later she got Ebola! Kids these days.

Wilmer Flores: Major League Shortstop or Chimney Sweep?

January 12, 2015 – #JeSuisCharlie

 By Dan D.

Many New York Mets fans have wondered vociferously this offseason who the team’s 2015 short stop will be.

As Spring Training approaches and it becomes clearer that they won’t trade away their wealth of young, exciting talent for an often-injured 31-year-old who has played his entire career at the league’s easiest hitting park, it is looking like young Wilmer Flores will get a chance to play every day as the team’s starting short stop. 

A fair amount of text characters have been hastily mashed into a MacBook Pro keyboard expressing concerns for Flores’ defensive shortcomings, but these writers have all missed the point. Sure, Flores possesses the potential to be a formidable bat; but is his future best spent cleaning out the soot of chimneys in the New York metropolitan area?

At 6 foot 3 and weighing in over 200 pounds – quite the wingspan – Flores could cover quite a bit of territory in a traditional brick chimney. He possesses the potential to be great in the “clean up” role, and has already proven adept at stepping up in clutch situations.

Granted, a switch to a career in facilities management could drop Flores’ future earnings to a substantially lower level, but the job does carry with it a certain security that being a participant in a consistently flighty profession like Major League Baseball cannot offer.

Big decisions are in store for the team and Flores this coming 2015 season, and we’ll be sure to track each brick as it’s laid in the Mets’ foundation.

Hey METS Fans: Tulowitzki Update!

December 21, 2014

By Dan D.

There has been a great deal of speculation over the past couple of months about whether Troy Tulowitzki will be on the METS’ team next year.

Tulowitzki, 31, has delivered all-star quality service to fans of his franchise for years. His statistics are undeniable, but many believe he’s frustrated with the direction his employers are taking his team in.

“Troy is a big fish in a tiny, tiny pond”, said Carl Frederickson, analyst for SandwichBoard.com. “If he doesn’t leave soon, his hunger for success might cause his performance to be affected”.

“I’d hate to see a guy with that kind of talent get stifled”.

The biggest obstacle to Tulowitzki getting moved, however, is the no-trade clause in his contract, which he actually has no control over.

“That clause is a real mother”, sighed Jim Lahey, writer for SubStats.org. “Not being able to work for another company that serves sandwich-related products within a three mile radius of another Jimmy John’s? That’s absurd. This guy has the opportunity to be one of the best ‘short-stop’ delivery men in the nation’s biggest food market – New York City – and he’s being held up by a silly technicality”.

Tulowitzki, however, may be in luck. Depending on what map application is used to calculate the distance between Flushing, NY’s METS (Metropolitans Eating Tasty Sandwiches) Catering and the Corona, NY branch of Jimmy John’s, a 0.2 mile discrepancy could make all the difference.

Google Maps, a trusted resource for many, many people, indicates the distance as 3.1 miles, whether one is driving, walking, or biking. MapQuest, however, lists the distance as 2.9 miles, taking advantage of an alleyway on Northern Boulevard unknown to many. Interestingly, Yahoo! Maps quotes 2.5 miles, but only if one uses the Grand Central Parkway (which, of course, eliminates walking & biking).

Many METS fans are enthusiastic that the business will find a way to get Tulowitzki, Jimmy John’s contract be damned.

“I have spent every waking hour of my existence following this story since I overheard a caller talking about it on WFAN”, said George Stephanie, who writes the blog LetsGoToMETS. “My girlfriend dumped me last week because I couldn’t stop talking about it”.

“My life won’t be complete until I wrap my lips around a sandwich that has touched his hands”, he added, his voice growing ever creepier. “Let’s go to METS!”

3 Keys To The Royals Winning The World Series

October 25, 2014

By Dan D. 

But they’ll never be Loo-ooorde…..

The Kansas City Royals are two victories away from their first world championship since 1985 after defeating the San Francisco Giants last night, 3-2.

Here are three quick things to consider before tonight’s Game 4 matchup:

1) Is Cain really Abel? 

Lorenzo Cain, the Royals’ ALCS MVP outfielder, has impressed baseball fans nationwide with his excellent defense and timely hitting.

However, many have speculated that he is really Abel, the mythological Bible character, shepherd, and murdered brother of Cain.

If this is true, it poses many difficult questions, like “How are you still alive after thousands of years?”, “Is your brother really that much of a dick?”, and “How does it feel to be the scion of the guy responsible for the Fall of Man?”

2) Do the Royals represent Kansas City, MO, Kansas City, KS, or both?

Kauffman Stadium is located in Missouri, and the team ostensibly is named for the larger of the two cities bearing the name “Kansas City”, but look a little deeper and the picture becomes murkier. The state of Kansas is implicated in the team’s name, therefore leading this writer to wonder: which midwest state am I rooting for here?

If, in fact, the team is meant to represent both cities, this might uproot a few other popularly held misconceptions about other teams, such as:

– Are the New York Mets and Yankees named for New York State or New York City?

– Are the Tampa Bay Rays named for the city of Tampa, FL, or the actual body of water on Florida’s western coast? 

– Are the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim named for anything at all?

3) Where does this team belong in the annals of human achievement?

After the Gatorade’s been dumped on the heads of the coaching staff, the champagne bottles uncorked, and the parade floats pass through the town square, the Royals will be left with a lingering question: what does their victory mean for the progress of the human race? I mean, Einstein, Armstrong, Tesla, Curie, Earhart…Ned Yost?

Despite being a wing of a multi-million dollar business enterprise with massive endorsements from other large corporations that pays people to recreate and relies on the support of people’s attachments to arbitrary geographical locations to exist, the Kansas City Royals winning the World Series is something I never imagined I’d see in my lifetime. I certainly hope they win, if for no other reason than I’m sick of seeing the Giants in the World Series already. 

New York Mets Recap: Dodgers 6, Mets 2 (8/22/14)

Los Angeles, California 

August 23, 2014

By a Writer, on the Internet, Who Is Writing About the Mets

Bring your kiddies, bring your wife. Guaranteed to be a waste of your life!

The New York Mets (60-69) were defeated by the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers of Los Angeles (73-57) last night, 6-2.

Curtis Granderson, a 33 year old native of Lynwood, Illinois, led off the game with a home run, giving the New York baseball club a 1-0 advantage, but Los Angeles tied the game in the third scoring frame and took the lead in the fifth.

Jon “A-Thon” Niese, who has been a paid employee of the Mets organization since 2008, received a demerit on his record for the loss, his ninth of the year against seven victories. Niese performed exceptionally, allowing only two men to run in a complete turn around the diamond in six and two-thirds scoring opportunities; it was, rather, the folks charged with the task of defending, particularly Wilmer Flores, a man who plays in the “infield” but does not defend a white square (also known as “short stop”),  and first base guard Lucas Duda, who through their inability to perform the basic duties asked of them allowed three additional points to score. Rumor has it they were scolded harshly after the game and grounded.

For the T.D.’s, Daniel Haren, who has been known to sport facial hair, earned the victory, and was credited with one of Brooklyn/Los Angeles’ 6 points. Also contributing to the squad’s triumph were “Dee” Gordon, A. Ellis, and Matthew Kemperton. 

The Metro-Politans and Dodgers will square off again tonight in Los Angeles, at 9:10 P.M. Atlantic, 6:10 Pacific. 

– Enjoy tonight’s game with a refreshing beverage! The Avocado recommends a selection from Stamford’s own Half-Full Brewery. Thanks to MLB.com and the Android MLB Scores for statistics on the game.