New York Mets Make Another Rotation Change

Dan D. – June 12, 2015

Earlier today, Anthony DiComo, the Mets’ beat writer for MLB.com, announced that the team would be starting Dillon Gee on Sunday instead of Noah Syndergaard, thus seemingly returning to the six-man rotation the team was supposed to have abandoned a short time ago.

We at the Avocado are proud to be the first to announce, however, that Mets manager Terry Collins has announced yet another change to his pitching rotation: all 25 men on the major league roster will cycle in and out of starting pitching duties.

“Considering all the injuries to the team lately, we decided that this would be our best option moving forward”, said Bjork J. Schlorp, Terry Collins’ personal assistant. When pressed as to why Collins thought this would be a good idea, Schlorp kept schtum, eventually evading the question by revealing that the team’s skipper has a strict predilection for 2-ply toilet paper.

The Avocado decided to concede that it would never receive a substantial answer to its original question, so we instead decided to ask Bjork why this was. “Well”, Schlorp sighed, “you see, during his contract negotiations, Terry held a hard line about Citi Field’s home clubhouse being fully stocked with three-ply Cottonelle ‘Tender Cheeks’ rolls, infused liberally with aloe vera. He insisted that he and his players receive the finest care possible, considering that 162 times a year they work their butts off to field a great team”.

“Well, the Wilpons, being the cheapskates that they are, told Terry he could ‘take his buttwipes and stuff them in his Pujols’ and told him that they wouldn’t supply anything but 1-ply RuffStuff brand, which, interestingly, is a company Jeff Wilpon has majority stakeholdings in. Terry threatened to walk, at which point the Wilpons realized that if he did, their only option to replace him would be Carl Everett, who currently manages their sub-rookie farm team, the Lake Minnetonka Purifiers. So, they agreed to compromise on two-ply”.

Stunned by this revelation, I thanked Bjork for his time, and went home to type this story out on my Commodore 64. There was no possible way this could have been made up – ‘Cottonelle Tender Cheeks’? It’s just too specific!

Hey METS Fans: Tulowitzki Update!

December 21, 2014

By Dan D.

There has been a great deal of speculation over the past couple of months about whether Troy Tulowitzki will be on the METS’ team next year.

Tulowitzki, 31, has delivered all-star quality service to fans of his franchise for years. His statistics are undeniable, but many believe he’s frustrated with the direction his employers are taking his team in.

“Troy is a big fish in a tiny, tiny pond”, said Carl Frederickson, analyst for SandwichBoard.com. “If he doesn’t leave soon, his hunger for success might cause his performance to be affected”.

“I’d hate to see a guy with that kind of talent get stifled”.

The biggest obstacle to Tulowitzki getting moved, however, is the no-trade clause in his contract, which he actually has no control over.

“That clause is a real mother”, sighed Jim Lahey, writer for SubStats.org. “Not being able to work for another company that serves sandwich-related products within a three mile radius of another Jimmy John’s? That’s absurd. This guy has the opportunity to be one of the best ‘short-stop’ delivery men in the nation’s biggest food market – New York City – and he’s being held up by a silly technicality”.

Tulowitzki, however, may be in luck. Depending on what map application is used to calculate the distance between Flushing, NY’s METS (Metropolitans Eating Tasty Sandwiches) Catering and the Corona, NY branch of Jimmy John’s, a 0.2 mile discrepancy could make all the difference.

Google Maps, a trusted resource for many, many people, indicates the distance as 3.1 miles, whether one is driving, walking, or biking. MapQuest, however, lists the distance as 2.9 miles, taking advantage of an alleyway on Northern Boulevard unknown to many. Interestingly, Yahoo! Maps quotes 2.5 miles, but only if one uses the Grand Central Parkway (which, of course, eliminates walking & biking).

Many METS fans are enthusiastic that the business will find a way to get Tulowitzki, Jimmy John’s contract be damned.

“I have spent every waking hour of my existence following this story since I overheard a caller talking about it on WFAN”, said George Stephanie, who writes the blog LetsGoToMETS. “My girlfriend dumped me last week because I couldn’t stop talking about it”.

“My life won’t be complete until I wrap my lips around a sandwich that has touched his hands”, he added, his voice growing ever creepier. “Let’s go to METS!”

Stanton Signs Historic Contract

November 21, 2014 By Dan D.

Baseball! Is not what this article is about.

Forces of nature like Giancarlo Stanton only come around once in a long, long time.

“His talent is undeniable, and he has the stats to prove it”, said Mike Redmond, his manager. “He deserves every penny of what we’re paying him” .

Yes, Giancarlo Stanton, a dishwasher for The Miami Marlin, a Stamford seafood bistro, has just signed a contract to make the most money that a dishwasher has ever made – $8 an hour – and he’s basking in the glory.

“We like to call him our ‘clean-up’ hitter”, said Redmond, grinning. “Get it? It’s a baseball analogy. Also, he cleans things. I’m smart!”

This past year, Stanton averaged 6.5 WAR (washes above replacement) per hour, better than the MLB (Major League of Bussers) industry average of 1.2.

“I’m very fortunate to be in the position I am”, Stanton said during a five-minute bathroom break before the dinner rush Tuesday night. “A lot of people with my job, they get paid way less than they’re worth. This is a victory for everyone who deserves to be compensated fairly for their hard work!”

One man in the community is not convinced Stanton deserves the money.

“You’re going to pay a dishwasher $8 an hour? What’s next, are we going to give McDonald’s employees a spa day?” asked Dirk “Turp” Blarkington, business executive at local hedge fund Securities Capital and heartless sociopath.

After providing us with the quote, “Turp” had his HR manager and possible cyborg T. Ron Chipbitt post a paid internship for Securities Capital – that is, an internship in which the participant had to pay the company to be able to work there. At time of press, it does not appear the internship offers any course credit.

Hi Sports Fans!

3 Keys To The Royals Winning The World Series

October 25, 2014

By Dan D. 

But they’ll never be Loo-ooorde…..

The Kansas City Royals are two victories away from their first world championship since 1985 after defeating the San Francisco Giants last night, 3-2.

Here are three quick things to consider before tonight’s Game 4 matchup:

1) Is Cain really Abel? 

Lorenzo Cain, the Royals’ ALCS MVP outfielder, has impressed baseball fans nationwide with his excellent defense and timely hitting.

However, many have speculated that he is really Abel, the mythological Bible character, shepherd, and murdered brother of Cain.

If this is true, it poses many difficult questions, like “How are you still alive after thousands of years?”, “Is your brother really that much of a dick?”, and “How does it feel to be the scion of the guy responsible for the Fall of Man?”

2) Do the Royals represent Kansas City, MO, Kansas City, KS, or both?

Kauffman Stadium is located in Missouri, and the team ostensibly is named for the larger of the two cities bearing the name “Kansas City”, but look a little deeper and the picture becomes murkier. The state of Kansas is implicated in the team’s name, therefore leading this writer to wonder: which midwest state am I rooting for here?

If, in fact, the team is meant to represent both cities, this might uproot a few other popularly held misconceptions about other teams, such as:

– Are the New York Mets and Yankees named for New York State or New York City?

– Are the Tampa Bay Rays named for the city of Tampa, FL, or the actual body of water on Florida’s western coast? 

– Are the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim named for anything at all?

3) Where does this team belong in the annals of human achievement?

After the Gatorade’s been dumped on the heads of the coaching staff, the champagne bottles uncorked, and the parade floats pass through the town square, the Royals will be left with a lingering question: what does their victory mean for the progress of the human race? I mean, Einstein, Armstrong, Tesla, Curie, Earhart…Ned Yost?

Despite being a wing of a multi-million dollar business enterprise with massive endorsements from other large corporations that pays people to recreate and relies on the support of people’s attachments to arbitrary geographical locations to exist, the Kansas City Royals winning the World Series is something I never imagined I’d see in my lifetime. I certainly hope they win, if for no other reason than I’m sick of seeing the Giants in the World Series already. 

QUICK RECAP: Royals 6, Orioles 4

PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND

October 11, 2014

By Dan D., Avocado Sports

The Cranston City Royals defeated the Burrillville Orioles this evening, 6-4, in the ALCS (Aquidneck League Chompionship Series) New York System sauce eating contest at the New York System in Olneyville Square. 

All-Star Bobby Nuttner put down 2 cups of the meat sauce for Cranston City, but the star of the show tonight was Alonzo Kayne, who wolfed down 4 cups of the sludgy paste to put his team over the edge.

“This has been an exciting ALCS, and I’m glad we’re a part of it…I’m having a blast”, said Kayne, in between bouts of vomiting.

Alessandro DeGraza sucked down a cup and a half for the Orioles. Starting eater Fudd Gorische, who prides himself on being a regular at the Original New York System on Smith Street, was ineffective, tapping out after dry-heaving during his second sip.

The Royals now lead the series, 2-0. The next match will be Monday at the Sam’s New York System in North Providence.

If you’re ever in Providence and haven’t pooped in a while, try a hot weiner. They give Taco Bell “the runs” for their money in producing fast, messy diarrhea. 

The Avocado’s World Series Picks

Connecticut? England?

22 September 2014

By Sir Jiminy Cricket, Avocado sports contributor

Major League Baseball’s regular season is nearing its conclusion. There are still division titles that have not been claimed and Wild Cards that have not been defined.

Here is a list of the teams most likely to contend for the Commissioner Selig’s Trophy as of 22 September 2014:

American League	National League
Baltimore Orioles	Washington Association of Foreign-Born Children of American Parents
Detroit’s Menagerie of Large Cats	St. Louis Cardinals
The Kansas City Aristocracy	Pittsburgh Professional Thieves LLC
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of Earth, P.O. Box The Universe -0001	Milwaukee Drunks
The Young Mens’ Athletic Association of Oakland (YMAA)	The Los Angeles Trolley Dodgers Formerly Known To Brooklyn
The Cleveland Racialists	San Francisco Men Trying To Compensate For Something
The Seamen’s Church of Seattle

American League Predictions: The Racialists will be immediately disqualified due to their team name and will not be allowed to compete until they designate a new mascot (and hopefully change their beliefs). The Aristocracy, while of noble blood, is too weak from in-breeding to defeat the proletariat clubs that dominate the remainder of the league. Oakland and Seattle, while both strong teams, will be too busy debating which Village People song is superior (“YMCA” or “In The Navy”) to be able to defeat their out-of-division rivals. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim etc. will be preoccupied with trying to determine exactly what community they represent. This leaves by the process of elimination Detroit and Baltimore. As a direct descendant of Lord Baltimore, I hope to see the Orioles succeed in their pursuits, but cats are notorious for catching and dining upon birds, so it is the Menagerie that will represent the A.L. in the World Series.

National League Predictions: The Thieves will “steal” the pennant. Washington’s team will be kept waiting to be naturalized; the Drunks will end their season in the gutter; the Men Trying To Compensate will spend their days apologizing to their dates for the short span of their “Golden Gates”; the Trolley Dodgers will meet an ironic fate at the hands of the new Los Angeles Streetcar; and the Cardinals, unlike the Orioles, are actual birds who have no place playing human sports.

World Series: The Menagerie of Cats shall hiss, swipe, and pounce, but Pittsburgh is in far better financial shape than Detroit and, as we all know, money wins championships.

Sir Cricket is perhaps a little confused as to how baseball works; perhaps he belongs at the Crawleys’ estate?  

New York Mets Recap: Dodgers 6, Mets 2 (8/22/14)

Los Angeles, California 

August 23, 2014

By a Writer, on the Internet, Who Is Writing About the Mets

Bring your kiddies, bring your wife. Guaranteed to be a waste of your life!

The New York Mets (60-69) were defeated by the Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers of Los Angeles (73-57) last night, 6-2.

Curtis Granderson, a 33 year old native of Lynwood, Illinois, led off the game with a home run, giving the New York baseball club a 1-0 advantage, but Los Angeles tied the game in the third scoring frame and took the lead in the fifth.

Jon “A-Thon” Niese, who has been a paid employee of the Mets organization since 2008, received a demerit on his record for the loss, his ninth of the year against seven victories. Niese performed exceptionally, allowing only two men to run in a complete turn around the diamond in six and two-thirds scoring opportunities; it was, rather, the folks charged with the task of defending, particularly Wilmer Flores, a man who plays in the “infield” but does not defend a white square (also known as “short stop”),  and first base guard Lucas Duda, who through their inability to perform the basic duties asked of them allowed three additional points to score. Rumor has it they were scolded harshly after the game and grounded.

For the T.D.’s, Daniel Haren, who has been known to sport facial hair, earned the victory, and was credited with one of Brooklyn/Los Angeles’ 6 points. Also contributing to the squad’s triumph were “Dee” Gordon, A. Ellis, and Matthew Kemperton. 

The Metro-Politans and Dodgers will square off again tonight in Los Angeles, at 9:10 P.M. Atlantic, 6:10 Pacific. 

– Enjoy tonight’s game with a refreshing beverage! The Avocado recommends a selection from Stamford’s own Half-Full Brewery. Thanks to MLB.com and the Android MLB Scores for statistics on the game. 

The Move The Yankees NEED to make

July 25, 2014

By Dan D., Avocado editor-in-chief, head writer and baseball opinionist

Also a metaphor for the relationship between Shutterstock and the Avocado.

The Yankees are in a tight American League East division race. They need every advantage they can get to pass the surging Toronto Blue Jays, who they will face this weekend at Yankee Stadium, and catch up to the division leading Baltimore Orioles.

The Yankees recently traded for third baseman Chase Headley and pitcher Brandon McCarthy, both of whom have been making an immediate impact. They also recently traded for two lefthanded pitchers: former Met Chris Capuano, and Jeff Francis, who pitched in the 2007 World Series with the Colorado Rockies.

While these players project to help the Yankees contend over the next two months, one more move needs to be made.

No championship caliber baseball team is complete without a world-class batboy. Stamford has just the person to fill this role and lead the Yankees to their 28th World Series victory.

Bobby Trinkle, 36, has been a professional batboy at Stamford’s Cubeta Stadium for over 20 years.

“I’ve been here for everything”, Trinkle says, in between snatching foul balls during a childrens’ T-Ball game last week. “The 1989 Little League World Series, the Babe Ruth League strike of ‘97, the Xerox-GE Capital Softball Invitational of ‘05. I’m ready for my big league call-up”.

Trinkle, a dyed-in-the wool Yankee fan his entire life, has repeatedly contacted Brian Cashman, the Yankees’ general manager, every spring training for the past 15 years to no avail. Recently, he hired an agent, Juan Calderon of Norwalk, to bolster his chances.

“I got Bobby an interview with the Royals next week for a janitorial job at Kaufman Stadium”, said Calderon. “It’s a start. Once he puts his foot in the door, the sky’s the limit”.

Brian Cashman could not be reached for interview, but a groundskeeper for the Royals did return my call. “We really need a janitor over here”, he told me. “The toilets are backed up something awful since our last guy quit”.

Dan D. has been aware of the existence of baseball for over 20 years. He played at Cubeta Stadium once or twice in his teens as a fourth-string Winter Babe Ruth League right fielder.