12th Annual Dozens Competition Is A Real Mother

November 7. 2014 By Dan D.

JOKES!!!!!!!

This past Sunday night, the 12th Annual Lower Fairfield County Dozens Competition was held at the Rich Forum.

Hosted by Rick “Rock” Vickers, the ceremony pits the finest in smack-talking Far Southwest Fairfield County has to offer against each other to compete for a grand prize consisting of a $10 gift certificate to the Donut Delight of their choice.

Finalists were Steve “Dairy” Bickles of Stamford, Jenna Jennifers of Cos Cob, and “Bloop” van Droot of Norwalk. The following is a breakdown of each smack talker’s presentations and results:

“Dairy” Bickles

Dairy has honed his craft from a young age, having talked smack since he was a child attending Cloonan Middle School.

He specializes in “your mama” jokes involving weight, such as “your mama’s so fat, her belt size is Equator” and “yo mama is so fat, she has type 15 diabetes”. Though his wit was sharp, Dairy was the first to be eliminated, as the crowd rightfully decided that fat shaming was both insensitive and lame, one judge noting that Dairy’s jokes were “too 1995”.

“Bloop” Van Droot

“Bloop”, a recent transplant from Amsterdam who holds a M.A. in Linguistics from the Sorbonne, focused his wordplay on “yo mama” jokes revolving around poverty: “Yo mama’s so poor, her welfare needs welfare” and “yo mama’s so poor, she applied for Section 16 housing”. 

Bloop, however, was swiftly given the boot, as his jokes, like Dairy’s, were extremely out of touch and mean-spirited towards the working class, unemployed, and economically disadvantaged. 

Jenna Jennifers

Jenna, an upstart dozens competitor from Norwalk, wowed the crowd by taking a different approach than Dairy or Bloop: a focus on how the subpar quality of their upbringing caused them to make such terrible jokes.

“Dairy, your mama’s so dumb, she locked herself in a grocery store and starved to death”, she started, igniting an inferno of laughter in the crowd of roughly seventeen people.

She then concluded her brilliant but all too short set with a stinger for Bloop: “Bloop, your mama’s so dumb, she makes the GOP look like Mensa”. The crowd exploded, many pulling slightly rotten GMO fruits and vegetables out to hurl at “Bloop” and “Dairy”.

Jenna was crowned the winner of the competition, earning a $100 gift certificate to Duchess and a weekend stay at the Days Inn in Mystic.

This article’s so great, it makes Cracked look like Wack’t.